Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Transit Tip of the Week

Did you know that 100% of all bicycle related injuries are caused by riding a bike?  The only safe bike, is a bike you never ride.

Throw your bike away and never worry about a bike related injury again!

Octavia Boulevard - Hell on Earth

Hell. On. Earth. 
As you well know, I have a boner for high speed traffic and freeways.  I was disheartened in 1999, when two initiatives were on the ballot, one to rebuild the freeway, and one to remove it.  Ultimately the voters decided to remove the freeway, undoubtedly because of some kind of Walk Nut conspiracy or some shit.

The Central Freeway was near and dear to my heart, as it provided a safe haven to crack addicts, pigeons, and kept housing prices at very affordable levels.

The Central Freeway: Notice how it effortlessly rammed itself into the neighborhood hole.
The people of the neighborhood were too selfish and foolish to realize that the removal would have dire consequences.  Everyone knows that freeways relieve traffic so it's running smoothly and efficiently, just like in LA. 

Crack Dens and Hooker Pits are often the first casualties of freeway removal. 
But the real victims of this boulevard debacle, are the hookers.  Shangelica reported, "Where I gunna give all my blowys at, huh?"  Sadly, blowy areas were replaced with medians, bike lanes, and a park for children.

Just imagine this is moving really fast, as all freeway traffic does. 
Now, whether or not this messy and politically heated decision to turn the freeway into a boulevard was good for the entirety of the population of SF will always be debatable and a point of contention.  But not for me, because although I never drive it, bike it, or walk it, Octavia Boulevard is absolutely 100% the worst decision ever. 

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Fucking up Masonic Freeway = Certain Doom

Everyone knows that the Masonic Freeway works well for everyone who owns a car, and all the cyclists and pedestrians who avoid it.  But now the Walk Nuts at WalkSF.org are claiming that it's killing a couple of people every couple of years and occasionally maiming a person, and that's a big deal?  Everyone knows that people don't like to walk and this group is trying to push their agenda on a bunch of motorists that I so deeply care about.

But what's the real threat here?  If the Masonic plan goes through, it will unleash an Apocalyptic hell the likes of San Francisco has never seen before.  The Environment Impact Report foretells of this event when viewed in in a dark lit area that smells like ice cream and remorse.  It clearly states, "Changes to the Masonic Freeway Plan would result in a significant and unavoidable apocalyptic impacts." But wait, it gets worse, check out these numbers.

WalkSF goofballs suggest the following changes for the Freeway:

- A road diet, removing lanes to narrow the street and reduce speeding
- A tree-planted median; the trees will visually narrow the street
- Expanded sidewalks (bulb-outs) at corners and bus stops to shorten crossings and increase visibility
- More visible crosswalks to improve pedestrian visibility and encourage yielding
- Separate cycle tracks to provide a buffer between cars and pedestrians

These kinds of outlandish changes will undoubtedly fuck up traffic so much it will cause an event of cataclysmic proportions.
Current Masonic Freeway Structure: Notice the luxurious 6 extra wide lanes of traffic, lack of median, and a light system perfect for speeds up to, and exceeding, 40 mph.  Fuck yeah!
The proposed changes, as foretold by the EIR, the Masonic Boulevard will look exactly like this.

Notice the Boulevard is a heaping pile of wreckage and hell fire, due to bulb-outs, tree planting, and other amenities to calm traffic down to a paltry 25 mph. 

Not only will the Walk Nuts get their ridiculous requests, but the bike crazies will too!  The new bicycle amenities may seem like a good idea at first, but the EIR and these facts and figures tell otherwise. 

The EIR shows that bicycle traffic will increase 1000 fold, thus bringing in a Critical Mass never witnessed before, and usher in the next zombie Apocalypse.

Masonic Boulevard will have thousands upon thousands of bikers, in addition to the Walk Nuts. 
Once bicycles reach saturation point, the dead will become reanimated and roam the boulevard in search of tender flesh. 
And finally, if the Boulevard plan is implemented, the long dormant volcano under Lone Mountain will erupt and decimate the Boulevard along with most of San Francisco.

Picture taken in Hawaii when the community created Manalikarai Boulevard.  This WILL happen to Masonic if the EIR isn't followed (and worshipped)
Listen to a citizen that has your best interests at heart, and understands that you're too stupid to realize you're being hoodwinked by a group of Walk Nuts.  Ditch the Boulevard plan so that tens of thousands of strangers can tear through your neighborhood and park on their couch a little earlier.