Wednesday, June 29, 2011

New York - City in Ruin

Everyone knows that New York was known for its fast moving traffic and generous roadways that allowed vehicles to move swiftly around to any part of the city.  In recent years, however, the biketards in New York have made it their mission to fuck up traffic for everyone!  The city currently uses 2% of it's pavement for bike lanes, which is 100% more than it should be using.  The city has been reduced from a thriving cartopia to a bike-lane dominated nightmare.  

Welcome to your fresh hell, morons.
Most New Yorkers support bike lanes and think they're good for the city.  They also think that it's "greener", reduces CO2 emissions and makes the city more livable.  Other idiots may argue that bike lanes may actually reduce congestion in the long run, anyone with half a brain knows better.    

Longtime resident, Frank Murphy, recalls, “Oh a few years ago anyone could speed around New York in minutes flat. Cars just moved through the city like a hot knife through butter.  Now it takes hours to get around, especially in rush hour.  It’s just a shame these bike lanes had to clog up traffic for our city.”

Time Square, once known for easy and speedy traffic, has turned into a congested nightmare thanks to the new green strips of bike lane.  Even walk nuts have joined this greedy and selfish act of stealing precious car lanes for urban parks and walkways.  

Traffic Hell, brought to you by pedestrians and bikers.
Tammy Nickson, one of the few owners of a car in the city anymore, said, “do you know how long it takes to drive 10 blocks to work in the morning?  I can barely text my friends and post status updates with all these pedestrians getting in the way.  Something needs to be done.”

Some New Yorkers want to bring back the good old days, and not only rescind the bike lanes, but also removed major areas of the sidewalks, so that more lanes can be added to reduce congestion. Others have toyed with the idea of turning Central Park into Central Park Freeway, where thousands upon thousands of motorists can reclaim what is rightfully theirs.  

New York's currently underutilized Central Park

Proposed Central Park Freeway
In the meantime, New Yorkers will have to endure the heart-wrenching pain of sitting in traffic while walk and bike nutjobs move around with ease.  

Bob Gunderson For Mayor

Blog Friends,

If you want someone who will stand up to your god given right to drive, and someone who will put those bike wackos in their place, then I'm your man.  I promise to put an end to progressive destruction and change everything back to when I first moved to the city.  Together we can regress back to vehicular prosperity.

Bob Gunderon For Mayor 2011
Mayorally yours,


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Bike Laser Aims to Increase Cyclist Destruction

The prototype laser will be replaced with RX232 - 10,000 times stronger than sunlight.
Well folks, the bike weirdos are at it again!  This time they plan to put lasers on their bikes for "safety" reasons.  Anyone can see this is just a sinister plot is to get rid of all automobile traffic on the roads.  It's just a matter of time before these so-called safety lasers churn out charred motorist biscuits with a side of molten metal. 

"I told you to get out of my bike lane!!!"

Friday, June 10, 2011

"Bike to Work Day, or We'll Fuck You Up"

Since the saving grace once known as the bike injunction was lifted, the Bike Plan hell-gates opened and ushered in a transportation dark age for all of San Francisco.  43 percent (14.5 miles) of transit crushing bike lanes and an nauseating amount (40 miles) of shared lane markings have been implemented on 104 street segments.   With a city that has 1260 miles of streets, it cannot afford to share 2.6% of its road for bicycle wet dreams.  

But, friends, everyone knows that Bike to work day is a huge steaming load of propaganda, and if man was meant to cycle, roads would already have bike lanes attached to them.  Finally, though, the REAL truth comes out.  Here's an article I dug up that you won't find anywhere else so don't even bother

"Bike to Work Day, or We'll Fuck You Up: Bike Nuts Take it One Step Farther"

May is National Bike Month, and bicycle advocates and lawmakers across California are boosting efforts to increase bike ridership as well as improve bicycle safety. May 12th marks bike advocate's most celebrated events, Bike to Work Day, and people across the state are encouraging cities to help make roads bike friendly and encourage businesses to promote cycling.  But many are questioning if this is truly enough. 

SF Citizens biking of their own free will (for now)

Larry Gravins, local bike advocate agrees.  "We've gotten as far with our anti-car agenda, by removing as much street parking as possible and destroyed as many car friendly merchants as we could.  We've already reached our most ambitious goal of using 1.3% of the SF roads for bike/shared lanes. We've hit the limit of how far that these initiatives can take us, and now it's up to purposeful violence to speed up the process." 

Larry suggests that next year biking becomes mandatory for anyone going to work.  The 25 Bike to Work Energizer Stations citywide, would be replaced with flogging checkpoints.  Reusable bike bags would no longer be a perk, and instead, bikers would receive stickers that will hopefully stave off a beating from their fellow biking coworkers. 
Bike Advocates plan to move away from the dangling carrot and more towards the stick. 
Jennie Severson, part of the new B.T.W.D.O.W.F.Y.U. initative."Sure you can try to make biking safer in the city, and improve paths, but at some point you're going to have to pick up a bat and threaten physical harm if someone doesn't want to bike." San Franciscan's are rejoicing at the prospect of taking part in this next logical step of the biking campaign. 

Though nearly a year away, Bike enthusiasts begin practicing in Golden Gate park to add the "or we'll fuck you up" to the next Bike to Work Day. 
Some bike advocates hope to avoid violence all together by passing an ordinance that would force motorists to bike to work or face criminal charges.  Drivers would face the possibility of turning in their car for a bike,  painting new strips of bike lane, or spending a week in Jail.

Local Car Messiah, Rob Gunderson had the following to say, "I'd rather fucking go to jail, you assholes."   

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Fell & Masonic Bike Light Shield: Oregon Trail-like Repercussions

The foolish residents of NOPA and all the bike idiots decided that cars traveling 30+ miles an hour making a left-hand turn into pedestrian and bike traffic was a bad idea.  They couldn't just wait until the city officials or the transit authority deemed the intersection as dangerous.  It's also possible that some kind of legal entanglement stopped anyone from getting this installed, which was probably due to someone's bleeding heart for the environment.  Guess we'll never know.  Anyway, the bike shield has only been around for about a year, but I'm an expert at statistical analysis, and you're too stupid to understand them, so I'll spare you the details.  Sufficed to say, it's been an absolute failure. 

Check out this Bullshit
This bike light was supposed to stop any, and all, accidents from ever occurring on this intersection.  Well guess what, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.  Not only did this bike light fail to stop every accident, but it has caused Oregon Trail-like Repercussions.  People are now packing their cars with ammo, food, and plenty of family members because most of them, sadly, make the entire journey.  

After the bike light was installed, at least one person out of each car has died of Dysentery. 
Clearly the light Fucked up traffic beyond hope for drivers and now they have to wait for what now is an eternity, to take a left turn.  Maybe some day progressive folks will realize the folly of trying, but for now we have to live with the dire consequences of this unreasonable attempt at safety. 

"Get in the car kids, we're heading down Fell Street... that's why we haven't named your youngest brother yet."