Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Eight Year Olds Against Fix Masonic Plans

Linguist determined the note was written by Eight year olds - "What was really puzzling is why 8 year old children would be against the Fix Masonic plan to begin with, since none of them can even drive a car."
After years of community outreach, organizing and planning, dating all the way back to 2005 when the Masonic street redesign was incorporated into the foolish SF bicycle plan, some flyers started cropping up on the Masonic Freeway, which prompted some parents to find out which child of theirs whipped up the grammatically challenged, rage cap laden tirade. Eventually, with the help of a linguist who specializes in primitive texts, they realized this was undoubtedly written by a group of eight year old children.   After this discovery, she commented, "One can only guess why they never received any word of corridor improvement plans. The little tykes probably never knew about the community outreach because they were either in school, or they weren't even born."
One of the parents, Vanessa Buyers, said,  "Once I saw the last 'sentence' reading 'Let them know they'll be uneployed come next election' I knew it was Billy.  We've been trying to get him to spell that word correctly for months now." Eventually they discovered it was the work of Billy and five of his "Besties". 
Parents of these scrappy little NIMBYs were outraged to find out their kids were maniacally invoking their civic rights, and so poorly.   Mainly the parents were upset because their children were not allowed to go out of the house after dark to post flyers or "Go anywhere near that Masonic death hole".  Three of the "Masonic Gang of Six" were grounded for a month and the others lost their iPad privileges for a week. 

The "Masonic Gange of Six" vows to "Don't Giveup Withowt a Fite"
But the kids are more determined than ever to ensure that this corridor stick to 1950's standards.  When asked why there were so vehemently against creating a corridor that everyone could enjoy and feel safe, the group replied, "SHUT UP THAT'S WHY!!! JUST SHUT UP YOU IDIOT!!!"

Monday, August 12, 2013

Taxis to Ride Sharing Services - "Leave the Reckless Driving to Professionals"

Cabs are known to have the best record of safe reckless driving.
Image found here
Since the inception of ride sharing services, cab companies have been fuming over the loss of business, and crying foul over lack of blessed city regulations. The Taxi services protested at City Hall, saying they aren't so much concerned over their livelihoods, or the fact that a recent survey put Cabs at the bottom of any list of transit option.  They are more concerned about the welfare of these ignorant people taking ride share cars. Cab companies are worried that these ride share drivers aren't properly licensed to drive haphazardly through the street of San Francisco. 

“Those unlicensed drivers are road bandits and don't know the first thing about double parking, or how to U-Turn in a busy street,” one protester said. “We are the real community drivers and the community knows how to get the hell out of our way.”
"It takes tens of hours of training to learn how to professionally run red lights"
Image found here
Protesters say that even with the new regulations in place, ride-shares won't understand the first thing about driving like a maniac.  Cabs, on the other hand, receive countless hours of training to weave in and out of city traffic, the proper way to take right turns when pedestrians are in the way, and how to get through a red light without barely hitting anything.  "It will take years before Ubar and Lyft start behaving like they own the roads." 

"Uber and Lyft don't know the first thing about safely speeding past a pedestrian"
Image found here

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Critical Car Mass

To counter "Critical Mass" (a rogue bike celebration that some bikers enjoy for a few hours during one day out of the month), an unknown transit avenger spearheaded "Critical Car Mass" hoping for the same kind of grass-roots effort and fun.

Unfortunately, unlike "Critical Mass", hundreds of people were injured, cars sat idle for hours, and bikes and pedestrians were still able to get through all the clutter.  Also, people were confusing "Critical Car Mass" with what is commonly known as morning and evening rush hour gridlock.  Participants said they would try it again at the end of the month, when they finally get back to their houses.

"We'll have better luck next time I'm Sure"
Image found here

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Car Driver Asked - "Why are Bikers the Worst?!"

San Francisco drivers have it the worst.  From having to share the lanes with bikers, to not having the god-given right to park on every block of SF due to a bike lane, it can really be the pits.  Everyday SF car drivers were asked, "What's your bicyclist pet peeve?" Here's what they had to say:

Emily Sanchez, longtime car driver in San Francisco, said, "The worst is when you're at a 4 way stop and you want to coast on through, but some ahole bicyclist is on their way up a hill and doesn't completely stop, or they did stop and I have to wait for them to cross, I'm pissed either way."

Emily Sanchez (right) says, "bicyclist just don't have respect for anyone but themselves. " 
A lot of car drivers expressed their frustration with bicycles, because they have to pay more attention to the road.  Gone are the days when you just expected people to get out of your way and you could casually drive your car and 40+ mph in the city and not have to worry about some damn bicyclist getting in your way.  Gary Sherking, exclaimed "These bicyclists think they own the road!  If they're not taking the lane and robbing seconds off your city commute, they're in their own precious green lane that takes precious feet away from wide car paths for one hell of a ride."

Gary Sherking (somewhere in there) is just fed up with these damn bicyclists (not shown).
Picture found here.  
But this kind of cyclist hatred stems from fact that unlike car drivers and pedestrians, they are the most selfish and foolish people ever.  The only good bicyclist is one that never bikes, ever.  Matt Gifford said it best, "I see bikers do stupid shit every day in this city and the police don't even bat an eye.  One of these days some bicyclist is going to injure a person or scuff a car.  Can we just sit back and wait for this kind of thing to happen?!?"
Matt Gifford (Middle) had a lot to say about the reckless bicyclist reeking havoc on SF streets.
Picture found here.   
Sadly since San Francisco decided to spare a few lanes for bicycles and allow them full use of a lane, it's gone completely downhill and bikers are destroying this city one green foot at a time.  It's only a matter of time until there will be a single road dedicated to bicycle traffic, and I hope I'm in heaven's parking lot before that day happens.

Image found here